Someday

   Someday you'll remember waking up, not ready to get out of the secure cocoon of your covers. You'll remember averting your eyes from your reflection every time you stood before a mirror. You'll remember every step you took, making you wish you could shrink into nothingness. You'll remember feeling invisible as glances sweep by, rejected as you stand on the fringe of a circle. You'll remember walking home alone, evenings spent dreaming of a better life. You'll remember nights spent crying yourself to sleep, craving for a hug or just a pat on the back to get you through.
   Someday you'll rediscover the safe haven you had built to take you away from everyone, and everything. You'll remember the joy and strength it gave you...before it too turned traitor. You'll remember how the realization that you had nothing and no one finally hit home. You'll the remember the sleepless nights that followed, and the thoughts that rattled in your head, refusing to leave.
   Someday you'll remember when you finally gave in. You'll remember picking up the kitchen knife, carefully choosing the one with most potential. You'll feel sick in your stomach as you hide it when you walk past your sibling watching TV in the living room, and enter the bathroom. You'll remember sitting on the bathroom floor for over two hours, knife in hand. You'll remember the first few superficial cuts you made, just to get to know how it feels. You'll remember hearing your sibling call out, "Hey, what are you doing in there for so long?" You'll remember closing your eyes, breathing in deeply, and telling yourself over and over "Just do it."
   Someday you'll remember that feeble voice in your head that had been trying to make itself heard for so long, over the tumult and rush of each day. You'll remember how it whispered, "We'll make it through. Things will get better." You'll remember how you finally listened to it, letting the voice grow stronger until it filled your head with hope and encouragement. You'll remember walking out of the bathroom, knife in hand, to put it back in place. You'll remember how liberating it felt to give yourself a second chance.
   Someday you will think of where you are, and the changes it took to bring you there. You'll greet each new day eagerly. You'll smile at the face in the mirror. You'll be amazed at the wonders of being in control of your life. You'll be aware of the difference your presence in the world makes. You'll know by then that the person who can make you happiest is yourself. You'll realise that the person you most need to be loved by is yourself.
   Someday you will look back and you will be glad you didn't let go. You'll be proud that you held on.
 

Flowers In Your Hair

I wrote my first poem today! Please don't laugh at my attempt! It's only my first!

I follow your gaze,

My eyes alight upon the mirror

Your eyebrows scrunched down,

Hairbrush in hand, thoughtful.

If I may suggest -

Perhaps you should wear

Flowers in your hair tonight.

Upon your dresser lies a package,

Unwrapped, the ribbons undone

Nestling in the dark velvet,

Twin ivory combs, bejeweled

Rubies that catch the light,

Burning bright red flames

Like the tresses they will embellish.

Turn around, here I am

Fresh and dewy and bright

I know this is not my place,

Glittering diamonds, sparkling champagne

I neither shine, nor shimmer

I can only stand by

While your beauty takes the center stage.

Soft white petals against locks of red

Nature's own adorning Nature's pride.

At dawn when I wither

Don't caste me aside,

Keep me with you, a reminder -

When red fades to gray

The journey is not yours alone.

Here I am, in my beauty simple and pure,

My fragrance with the mingled scents

Of tears, heartaches and sleepless nights,

Of a life that once was enough,

Of all the things you left behind.

Hear me I beg, for old love's sake

Let me be the flowers in your hair tonight.

Steps to Recovery (:

Today I feel wonderful.
  I'm still prone to some self-sabotaging behaviours. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, flaw by flaw. I still can't go through a magazine, or watch a movie, or walk down the road without wishing I could be that beautiful girl. I'm still worried about how others see me, and each day the way I see myself is killing me. I've still got to learn to quieten that voice in my head, drowning out every trace of self-confidence.
  But today isn't the day when the same old recurring cycle of thoughts play through my mind. Today I feel amazing because I know that I've come quite a long way from where I was at the beginning of this year. Remember the day I wrote to you about my mission to detox? Well I've made progress. Yes with the help of that (ridiculous) therapist of mine! Would you believe it?!
  After a long evening of soul searching, I found that I could let go of something I've been holding on to for the past seven years of my life. I realised that in my desperate attempts to decree the right and the wrong, I had only hurt the ones I loved. I am still unsure if it is my place to play judge. But I did realize that this was one of those things, like many other things in the world, that can't be labelled black or white. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier, considering I'm one of those girls who believe the world is mostly just shades of gray. I know both sides of the story, and I understand why each did as they have done. And at that instant, I can't write in words how it felt to have that burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain how it felt - knowing I didn't have to choose a side. I could love them both boundlessly, unconditionally. Just the way they had always loved me.
  I cried a lot that evening. I cried for all the girls I'd been since I was eleven. I cried for every time I had deliberately hurt either of them, believing it was the right thing to do. But mostly I cried because I was so relieved that it was all over. I had forgiven them - if there ever had been anything to forgive. And I had forgiven myself.

I've been holding on too tight, with nothing in between ~ One Direction

(Who knew I'd ever find meaning in a lyric by that silly boy band.)

  My soul searching isn't done yet. I still have a long way to go, a lot more mind space to detox. A lot more digging to do with the karmic shovel my imaginary therapist purchased in an imaginary DIY store across the street. But today, I'm not going to dwell on my need for self acceptance.

  Today I'm going to celebrate the realisation that I can let go. I believe that despite the differences, we can still come together, finishing the picture. When you stand back and look at us, you'll see the jagged edges, the pieces that don't fit beside each other. But you won't be able to deny that somehow, strangely, in a tumultuous inexplicable universe, the picture is complete. 

My Therapist & I

  I had a nice chat with my therapist last night. I did most of the talking, and a lot of it - actually all of it - was me trying to convince her I'm a sociopath. Or maybe someone with some sort of mental illness that requires intense therapy. I don't know if a shrink is supposed to tell you "Hey look, stop being paranoid. You're not dysfunctional! You're totally capable of handling your own problems!" But that is what my shrink told me. But then again, maybe I am not dysfunctional. Just a...I wouldn't say paranoid person, um...I'll go with "a person who is unsure of their true potential." Because that makes me sound like I've got potential lying hidden somewhere buried in an underground recess deep deep deep in the core of the earth... "Hey, don't look down on yourself!" Yes that is also something my shrink said. And I'm gonna listen to that because sociopath or not, I do have self esteem issues. Which I am working on! Yes! Acknowledge your efforts, and give yourself credit! O shrink, your wise (clichéd) words are still ringing in my ears...
  So what if I told you this shrink who I speak of is... well, it's me. Yes me, myself. Yes, I am being my own therapist. Yes, I am counselling myself. Why, you ask? I say lack of resources, time, parental consent or rather lack of a desire to consult parents, or anybody for that matter. I know myself best, and I can be unscrupulous and not hurt my feelings because yes, you can probably counsel yourself (as bizarre as it may seem) but you certainly cannot hurt your own feelings.
  Back to my nice chat with my 'therapist' last night - so the basic impression my 'therapist' developed last night was that for some reason I kept trying to convince myself that I had a mental disorder, that my current situation is to be blamed on something out of my hands, that I need rescuing because I'm incapable of standing up for myself. She found it quite amusing. Why? She asked. And I floundered. I didn't have to answer the question anyway (not that I'd have been able to) because she answered it for me (or I answered it for myself, you could say). She said that I was either trying to wash my hands off the mess I'd gotten into. Or maybe I was just doing what I always did - looking at my actions under a negative light. Which one is it? She asked. and I couldn't answer again. And she said it's a bit of both.
  "You're making a mountain out of a molehill," she said.
I only stared, uncomprehending.
  "Really, it's not as bad as you think it is. You're in the same boat as everyone. It's true, you would have handled it differently two years ago. It's also true that you feel like you have lost what you had two years ago. All I want to say is that two years is not that long. What you say you have lost, you have not lost at all. She is still in you. It's just a matter of digging through the dirt that has accumulated over these two years. But remember, two years is not too long ago, and those layers are not too deep."
  I was annoyed then. She said it like it was a matter of digging in her backyard! I couldn't quite purchase my karmic shovel at a nearby hardware store!
And she said, "why do you think I'm here for you? I'll be your 'karmic shovel', and help you get through those layers and figure yourself out again. Give it some time. It'll all work out, trust me."
  Well...there is really no harm in trusting myself now is there?

shadows, colours, people.

    at the fringe of the circle she stood - an outsider among her own.
    she knew all of their secrets. the small ones, the big ones, the dirty ones. she knew the animosity hidden behind their smiles. she knew the words on their mind, so different from the ones that rolled off their tongues glibly. and yet as they chatted and laughed like they belonged, she was an outsider among her own.
    flashes of anger, moments of truth. she'd seen them all. "never again," they'd said. "moment of clarity" they'd called it. "to break free" they had desired. yet there they were, like nothing had changed. like the clarity had been clouded over. like it was the place to be. and she was still an outsider among her own.
    she had witnessed their moments of weakness. when lonely and scared they'd bared their hearts to her. she'd held their hands, lent her shoulder for them to cry upon. all was forgotten, and she just smiled. an outsider among her own.
    like a pile fallen autumn leaves they nestled together, cozy in each other's company. she could be the gust of wind that would blow them apart, drive them to the farthest ends of their little world. but she never tried, so things went on.
    at the fringe of the circle she remained - an outsider among her own.