shadows, colours, people.

    at the fringe of the circle she stood - an outsider among her own.
    she knew all of their secrets. the small ones, the big ones, the dirty ones. she knew the animosity hidden behind their smiles. she knew the words on their mind, so different from the ones that rolled off their tongues glibly. and yet as they chatted and laughed like they belonged, she was an outsider among her own.
    flashes of anger, moments of truth. she'd seen them all. "never again," they'd said. "moment of clarity" they'd called it. "to break free" they had desired. yet there they were, like nothing had changed. like the clarity had been clouded over. like it was the place to be. and she was still an outsider among her own.
    she had witnessed their moments of weakness. when lonely and scared they'd bared their hearts to her. she'd held their hands, lent her shoulder for them to cry upon. all was forgotten, and she just smiled. an outsider among her own.
    like a pile fallen autumn leaves they nestled together, cozy in each other's company. she could be the gust of wind that would blow them apart, drive them to the farthest ends of their little world. but she never tried, so things went on.
    at the fringe of the circle she remained - an outsider among her own.

you & i - part I

22nd March, 2011

 he's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, i hate his guts, and he's everything i want.

26th May, 2011

he's hurt me so much more than the others. when i think of Brian and how he tried so hard to make me happy, it seems ridiculous and unfair that i find myself falling for him instead.

17th July, 2011

i realised i've been dwelling on the negative side of our relationship. when i recount our times together, i actually find that the happy moments outnumber the unhappy ones by far. i also realise that i haven't ever really tried to understand everything that goes on behind the impassive mask he wears. i've hurt him just as much. probably more.

 7th September, 2011

i don't know... something's changed. in situations where i expect him to pass one of his characteristic biting remarks, he catches me off guard by being undeniably sweet. and that leaves me confused, speechless. all the defensive retorts that bubble up out of habit are rendered pointless.

28th October, 2011

it scares me sometimes, how incredibly nice he can be. it was so much easier to convince myself to hate his old self. i wish he'd bring back to life the jackass of a person he was, or maybe just go away. as much as either of these might hurt, it's probably best for me. best for both of us.

14th December, 2011

i look back to my younger self and she makes me want to laugh. i wonder if she had any idea what she was getting into. if that girl knew how much i cared about him now, she'd think i'd lost my mind. come to think of it, i think so myself.

4th February, 2012

sometimes i wonder if he knows. something tells me he does. and the fact that he sticks around anyway is comforting.

21st March, 2012

it's been a week since he told me he cares and i find that i still can't get my head around that piece of information. i'd always thought that i was a kind of pastime he engaged in when he had nothing better on his hands... well not always. there had been moments when i'd believed that there was so much more to it but then i'd eventually wave it away as a product of my hyperactive imagination. i wouldn't be surprised if his latest confession is one of those as well.

3rd April, 2012

today when he asked me why i like him, i found myself floundering for a reply. it isn't that i don't know why, it's just that i can't really pin it all down in words. and even though he got no fitting response, strangely enough, i know his question wasn't left unanswered.

5th April, 2012

lately, i've been thinking about the things that are going to change. he tries to convince me that it'll last but his attempts are futile. there's a nagging feeling that this is just momentary and insubstantial. i try to rid myself of it, but the feeling persists. in the end, i decide it's best to give up. i instruct myself to stop worrying and lose myself in all that we have for now.

Anonymity.

strange thing that. she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.
   They don't know who I am,  they only see what I show them. 

   They don't know who I am, so I can let them in on everything. They'd judge me - that's what they all do - but their verdicts are insubstantial because they do not know who they are pointing fingers at. 

   They don't know who I am and that gives them the courage to be brutally honest.

   They don't know I am and that makes it possible for me to say exactly what I have to say, shorn off all pretense and politeness. 

   They don't know who I am, so I needn't bother to defend myself.

   They don't know who I am which means I have a place to hide.

   They don't know who I am, so I can be who I want to be. 

   They don't know who I am, and that gives me the power to get away with anything.
she did quite like it in the beginning. but with time she began to realise, with anonymity comes invisibility. and that is a price she isn't sure she's willing to pay.

P.S. forgive me for my absence, my *innumerable* readers. (x i can't offer you an explanation, it's just that blogging stopped feeling right for a while. but i'm back now... i think.
   oh and:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUKE WRIGHT!

i have no idea where this is going.

she'd always been convinced they were simply fooling around. now, three months later, she isn't all too sure.
   she's beginning to see things she'd never noticed before. and these give her hope. she finds a subtle message hidden in everything he says, but she isn't sure if she's reading it right. she can feel something in the air, certain things which need to be shared but she wonders why they're being left unsaid. she's worried she could be over-thinking things - she always does that. she doesn't want to get her hopes up too high - she's built innumerable castles in the air, only to watch them all fall apart. but she can't help herself, there's always the nagging 'what if'... what if this time it's for real. that's when she realises that this is something she doesn't want to lose. she's willing to give it her all, but before she does so she needs to make sure it's worth it. she's made lots of mistakes, and if there's anything she's learnt from them it's that once she's taken a faulty step, there's no going back - she will have to see it through to the end. and she knows she can't bear to have her heart broken again - she'd fall apart. but she finds it so hard not to believe that somehwere, concealed in the midst of his flippant remarks, is a promise that he'll never let her down. it's something she's yearned for forever - that safe, secure feeling of knowing she's loved - now that she can feel it's presence, shouldn't she just reach out and grab it? but then again she remembers those lonely dark nights she'd spent crying herself to sleep, all because her faith in goodness and love had blinded her and reality had hit her far too late. and that's when the illusion breaks.
   she's confused, lost, absolutely clueless. are things really only what they seem to be or is there so much more behind the walls they're both unwilling to break down? would she be making a mistake if she ignores this chance, letting it pass by because it seems to good to to be true? do the sparks she feels, the feelings she senses are being suppressed even exist?
   she's tired of wondering, tired of analyzing, tired of dreaming.
   she wishes she could just let go of herself and BELIEVE.

and i thought it was all perfect.

I. out of place.
realisation: surface appeal = essential.

II. newfound interests.
realisation:  things aren't quite as terrible as they seem.

III. floating... a starry sky. celebrations - red and blue balloons.
realisation: the smallest things can be made special.

IV. bonding.
realisation: some people are invaluable.

V. long talks, long walks. endless summer days.
realisation: time can stand still.

VI.too many people, too many problems.
realisation: neglected and misunderstood.

VII. acceptance and confrontation.
realisation: some things must remain unsaid.

VIII. adventures and mishaps.
realisation: some people are just not cut out for certain kinds of things.

IX. expectations.
realisation: desire to surpass them all.

X. people seen in a whole new light.
realisation: there is still so much to learn.

XI. new connections.
realisation: they can never replace the old ones.

XII. beauty.
realisation: a desire to be recognised.

XIII. perfect moments.
realisation: they vanish in the blink of an eye.

XIV. windfall of changes.
realisation: i could lose you.

XV. the end is near.
realisation: time can pass by far too fast.

XVI. lonely, drunk, miserable.
realisation: it's all over.

XVII. pressurized, stressed, anxious.
realisation: unless i try, things can never get better. 

XVIII. inspiration, hope.
realisation: it's time to start afresh.

XIX. memories, strength, love.
realisation: i can do this on my own.