Today I feel wonderful.
I'm still prone to some self-sabotaging behaviours. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, flaw by flaw. I still can't go through a magazine, or watch a movie, or walk down the road without wishing I could be that beautiful girl. I'm still worried about how others see me, and each day the way I see myself is killing me. I've still got to learn to quieten that voice in my head, drowning out every trace of self-confidence.
But today isn't the day when the same old recurring cycle of thoughts play through my mind. Today I feel amazing because I know that I've come quite a long way from where I was at the beginning of this year. Remember the day I wrote to you about my mission to detox? Well I've made progress. Yes with the help of that (ridiculous) therapist of mine! Would you believe it?!
After a long evening of soul searching, I found that I could let go of something I've been holding on to for the past seven years of my life. I realised that in my desperate attempts to decree the right and the wrong, I had only hurt the ones I loved. I am still unsure if it is my place to play judge. But I did realize that this was one of those things, like many other things in the world, that can't be labelled black or white. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier, considering I'm one of those girls who believe the world is mostly just shades of gray. I know both sides of the story, and I understand why each did as they have done. And at that instant, I can't write in words how it felt to have that burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain how it felt - knowing I didn't have to choose a side. I could love them both boundlessly, unconditionally. Just the way they had always loved me.
I cried a lot that evening. I cried for all the girls I'd been since I was eleven. I cried for every time I had deliberately hurt either of them, believing it was the right thing to do. But mostly I cried because I was so relieved that it was all over. I had forgiven them - if there ever had been anything to forgive. And I had forgiven myself.
I'm still prone to some self-sabotaging behaviours. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, flaw by flaw. I still can't go through a magazine, or watch a movie, or walk down the road without wishing I could be that beautiful girl. I'm still worried about how others see me, and each day the way I see myself is killing me. I've still got to learn to quieten that voice in my head, drowning out every trace of self-confidence.
But today isn't the day when the same old recurring cycle of thoughts play through my mind. Today I feel amazing because I know that I've come quite a long way from where I was at the beginning of this year. Remember the day I wrote to you about my mission to detox? Well I've made progress. Yes with the help of that (ridiculous) therapist of mine! Would you believe it?!
After a long evening of soul searching, I found that I could let go of something I've been holding on to for the past seven years of my life. I realised that in my desperate attempts to decree the right and the wrong, I had only hurt the ones I loved. I am still unsure if it is my place to play judge. But I did realize that this was one of those things, like many other things in the world, that can't be labelled black or white. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier, considering I'm one of those girls who believe the world is mostly just shades of gray. I know both sides of the story, and I understand why each did as they have done. And at that instant, I can't write in words how it felt to have that burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain how it felt - knowing I didn't have to choose a side. I could love them both boundlessly, unconditionally. Just the way they had always loved me.
I cried a lot that evening. I cried for all the girls I'd been since I was eleven. I cried for every time I had deliberately hurt either of them, believing it was the right thing to do. But mostly I cried because I was so relieved that it was all over. I had forgiven them - if there ever had been anything to forgive. And I had forgiven myself.
I've been holding on too tight, with nothing in between ~ One Direction
(Who knew I'd ever find meaning in a lyric by that silly boy band.)
My soul searching isn't done yet. I still have a long way to go, a lot more mind space to detox. A lot more digging to do with the karmic shovel my imaginary therapist purchased in an imaginary DIY store across the street. But today, I'm not going to dwell on my need for self acceptance.
Today I'm going to celebrate the realisation that I can let go. I believe that despite the differences, we can still come together, finishing the picture. When you stand back and look at us, you'll see the jagged edges, the pieces that don't fit beside each other. But you won't be able to deny that somehow, strangely, in a tumultuous inexplicable universe, the picture is complete.
