Someday

   Someday you'll remember waking up, not ready to get out of the secure cocoon of your covers. You'll remember averting your eyes from your reflection every time you stood before a mirror. You'll remember every step you took, making you wish you could shrink into nothingness. You'll remember feeling invisible as glances sweep by, rejected as you stand on the fringe of a circle. You'll remember walking home alone, evenings spent dreaming of a better life. You'll remember nights spent crying yourself to sleep, craving for a hug or just a pat on the back to get you through.
   Someday you'll rediscover the safe haven you had built to take you away from everyone, and everything. You'll remember the joy and strength it gave you...before it too turned traitor. You'll remember how the realization that you had nothing and no one finally hit home. You'll the remember the sleepless nights that followed, and the thoughts that rattled in your head, refusing to leave.
   Someday you'll remember when you finally gave in. You'll remember picking up the kitchen knife, carefully choosing the one with most potential. You'll feel sick in your stomach as you hide it when you walk past your sibling watching TV in the living room, and enter the bathroom. You'll remember sitting on the bathroom floor for over two hours, knife in hand. You'll remember the first few superficial cuts you made, just to get to know how it feels. You'll remember hearing your sibling call out, "Hey, what are you doing in there for so long?" You'll remember closing your eyes, breathing in deeply, and telling yourself over and over "Just do it."
   Someday you'll remember that feeble voice in your head that had been trying to make itself heard for so long, over the tumult and rush of each day. You'll remember how it whispered, "We'll make it through. Things will get better." You'll remember how you finally listened to it, letting the voice grow stronger until it filled your head with hope and encouragement. You'll remember walking out of the bathroom, knife in hand, to put it back in place. You'll remember how liberating it felt to give yourself a second chance.
   Someday you will think of where you are, and the changes it took to bring you there. You'll greet each new day eagerly. You'll smile at the face in the mirror. You'll be amazed at the wonders of being in control of your life. You'll be aware of the difference your presence in the world makes. You'll know by then that the person who can make you happiest is yourself. You'll realise that the person you most need to be loved by is yourself.
   Someday you will look back and you will be glad you didn't let go. You'll be proud that you held on.
 

Flowers In Your Hair

I wrote my first poem today! Please don't laugh at my attempt! It's only my first!

I follow your gaze,

My eyes alight upon the mirror

Your eyebrows scrunched down,

Hairbrush in hand, thoughtful.

If I may suggest -

Perhaps you should wear

Flowers in your hair tonight.

Upon your dresser lies a package,

Unwrapped, the ribbons undone

Nestling in the dark velvet,

Twin ivory combs, bejeweled

Rubies that catch the light,

Burning bright red flames

Like the tresses they will embellish.

Turn around, here I am

Fresh and dewy and bright

I know this is not my place,

Glittering diamonds, sparkling champagne

I neither shine, nor shimmer

I can only stand by

While your beauty takes the center stage.

Soft white petals against locks of red

Nature's own adorning Nature's pride.

At dawn when I wither

Don't caste me aside,

Keep me with you, a reminder -

When red fades to gray

The journey is not yours alone.

Here I am, in my beauty simple and pure,

My fragrance with the mingled scents

Of tears, heartaches and sleepless nights,

Of a life that once was enough,

Of all the things you left behind.

Hear me I beg, for old love's sake

Let me be the flowers in your hair tonight.

Steps to Recovery (:

Today I feel wonderful.
  I'm still prone to some self-sabotaging behaviours. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, flaw by flaw. I still can't go through a magazine, or watch a movie, or walk down the road without wishing I could be that beautiful girl. I'm still worried about how others see me, and each day the way I see myself is killing me. I've still got to learn to quieten that voice in my head, drowning out every trace of self-confidence.
  But today isn't the day when the same old recurring cycle of thoughts play through my mind. Today I feel amazing because I know that I've come quite a long way from where I was at the beginning of this year. Remember the day I wrote to you about my mission to detox? Well I've made progress. Yes with the help of that (ridiculous) therapist of mine! Would you believe it?!
  After a long evening of soul searching, I found that I could let go of something I've been holding on to for the past seven years of my life. I realised that in my desperate attempts to decree the right and the wrong, I had only hurt the ones I loved. I am still unsure if it is my place to play judge. But I did realize that this was one of those things, like many other things in the world, that can't be labelled black or white. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier, considering I'm one of those girls who believe the world is mostly just shades of gray. I know both sides of the story, and I understand why each did as they have done. And at that instant, I can't write in words how it felt to have that burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain how it felt - knowing I didn't have to choose a side. I could love them both boundlessly, unconditionally. Just the way they had always loved me.
  I cried a lot that evening. I cried for all the girls I'd been since I was eleven. I cried for every time I had deliberately hurt either of them, believing it was the right thing to do. But mostly I cried because I was so relieved that it was all over. I had forgiven them - if there ever had been anything to forgive. And I had forgiven myself.

I've been holding on too tight, with nothing in between ~ One Direction

(Who knew I'd ever find meaning in a lyric by that silly boy band.)

  My soul searching isn't done yet. I still have a long way to go, a lot more mind space to detox. A lot more digging to do with the karmic shovel my imaginary therapist purchased in an imaginary DIY store across the street. But today, I'm not going to dwell on my need for self acceptance.

  Today I'm going to celebrate the realisation that I can let go. I believe that despite the differences, we can still come together, finishing the picture. When you stand back and look at us, you'll see the jagged edges, the pieces that don't fit beside each other. But you won't be able to deny that somehow, strangely, in a tumultuous inexplicable universe, the picture is complete. 

My Therapist & I

  I had a nice chat with my therapist last night. I did most of the talking, and a lot of it - actually all of it - was me trying to convince her I'm a sociopath. Or maybe someone with some sort of mental illness that requires intense therapy. I don't know if a shrink is supposed to tell you "Hey look, stop being paranoid. You're not dysfunctional! You're totally capable of handling your own problems!" But that is what my shrink told me. But then again, maybe I am not dysfunctional. Just a...I wouldn't say paranoid person, um...I'll go with "a person who is unsure of their true potential." Because that makes me sound like I've got potential lying hidden somewhere buried in an underground recess deep deep deep in the core of the earth... "Hey, don't look down on yourself!" Yes that is also something my shrink said. And I'm gonna listen to that because sociopath or not, I do have self esteem issues. Which I am working on! Yes! Acknowledge your efforts, and give yourself credit! O shrink, your wise (clichéd) words are still ringing in my ears...
  So what if I told you this shrink who I speak of is... well, it's me. Yes me, myself. Yes, I am being my own therapist. Yes, I am counselling myself. Why, you ask? I say lack of resources, time, parental consent or rather lack of a desire to consult parents, or anybody for that matter. I know myself best, and I can be unscrupulous and not hurt my feelings because yes, you can probably counsel yourself (as bizarre as it may seem) but you certainly cannot hurt your own feelings.
  Back to my nice chat with my 'therapist' last night - so the basic impression my 'therapist' developed last night was that for some reason I kept trying to convince myself that I had a mental disorder, that my current situation is to be blamed on something out of my hands, that I need rescuing because I'm incapable of standing up for myself. She found it quite amusing. Why? She asked. And I floundered. I didn't have to answer the question anyway (not that I'd have been able to) because she answered it for me (or I answered it for myself, you could say). She said that I was either trying to wash my hands off the mess I'd gotten into. Or maybe I was just doing what I always did - looking at my actions under a negative light. Which one is it? She asked. and I couldn't answer again. And she said it's a bit of both.
  "You're making a mountain out of a molehill," she said.
I only stared, uncomprehending.
  "Really, it's not as bad as you think it is. You're in the same boat as everyone. It's true, you would have handled it differently two years ago. It's also true that you feel like you have lost what you had two years ago. All I want to say is that two years is not that long. What you say you have lost, you have not lost at all. She is still in you. It's just a matter of digging through the dirt that has accumulated over these two years. But remember, two years is not too long ago, and those layers are not too deep."
  I was annoyed then. She said it like it was a matter of digging in her backyard! I couldn't quite purchase my karmic shovel at a nearby hardware store!
And she said, "why do you think I'm here for you? I'll be your 'karmic shovel', and help you get through those layers and figure yourself out again. Give it some time. It'll all work out, trust me."
  Well...there is really no harm in trusting myself now is there?

shadows, colours, people.

    at the fringe of the circle she stood - an outsider among her own.
    she knew all of their secrets. the small ones, the big ones, the dirty ones. she knew the animosity hidden behind their smiles. she knew the words on their mind, so different from the ones that rolled off their tongues glibly. and yet as they chatted and laughed like they belonged, she was an outsider among her own.
    flashes of anger, moments of truth. she'd seen them all. "never again," they'd said. "moment of clarity" they'd called it. "to break free" they had desired. yet there they were, like nothing had changed. like the clarity had been clouded over. like it was the place to be. and she was still an outsider among her own.
    she had witnessed their moments of weakness. when lonely and scared they'd bared their hearts to her. she'd held their hands, lent her shoulder for them to cry upon. all was forgotten, and she just smiled. an outsider among her own.
    like a pile fallen autumn leaves they nestled together, cozy in each other's company. she could be the gust of wind that would blow them apart, drive them to the farthest ends of their little world. but she never tried, so things went on.
    at the fringe of the circle she remained - an outsider among her own.

Detox!

   i logged in today, more than a year later, to find my dashboard flooded with new posts put up by the blogs I've subscribed to. and then i realized - even though i had slipped into stagnancy over the year, the world had gone on.
   it's not just this blog, but a lot of things that i have left behind in 2012. there are a lot of things i have given up on because of a mental block stemming from lack of confidence, as well as interest. i feel like 2013, although beautiful in some aspects, has been a waste of a year. it's turned me into one of those people who dream big, but never lift a finger to make those big dreams turn into reality. and it doesn't work that way. you can't make a dream come to life if you don't work for it!
 "A dream doesn't become reality through magic. It takes sweat, determination and hard work."

~ Colin Powell

   where i stand now, on the first day of this brand new year, prepping for the exams that will decide my career and the rest of my life i know nothing about what's in store for me 7 months from now, in August, when i get to start a new college i.e if i even get into any. all i have is these 5 months vaguely outlined for me with exam schedules put up, and the constant reminder that ever hour of these months spent without studying is a waste.
    yes, 2014 is the most significant and crucial year of my life. 2014 is when everything changes, it's the time to be a completely new person. it's the first big chance i get to begin building my dream life. i simply cannot afford to let it go to waste like 2013.
    so after a lot of thought, and a long conversation with one of my best friends along with a little whimsical reading of the Piscean horoscope for this year :P i have reached the conclusion that the first step to reinventing myself this year is -
DETOX.
Detoxification (abbrev.: detox) n.

1. the metabolic process by which toxins are changed into less toxic or more readily excreted substances.

2. the process of withdrawing a person from dependence on a habituating drug.

In my book:

Detoxification (abbrev.: detox) n.

A process of psychological cleansing in which you

1. Rid yourself of habits you dislike

2. Discard "frenemies" (the people you secretly despise) and other people who affect you negatively

3. Bring back old habits that once made your mind a better place

4. Consciously put in the effort to fulfil your goals

5. Give yourself reason to love yourself

    i think it's a pretty good plan, the objectives being fairly simple. the only hitch that i may have to deal with - and mind you it is a big one - is getting the plan into motion first, and then sticking to it. 2013 has spoilt me. it's made me the kind who lazes around all day looking for the shortcuts and easier ways to make it through life. I'm going to need a good shaking up to get back to form.

my main goals for the year are plain and straightforward.

1. Get into one of the following institutions

 - AIIMS, Delhi

 - JIPMER, Pondicherry

 - CMC, Vellore

 - Grant Medical College, Mumbai

2. Lose a lot of weight, get into shape, and become really really pretty! (yes it may seem like a very superficial goal, but i won't lie - it means a lot to me.)

Plan Detox feels like a really good way to get things done. I've got my fingers crossed, hoping i can make it work.

so here's to a new plan, a new year, and hopefully a new life!

 

PS: if i stick to my plan you'll be seeing a lot more of my posts because no. 3 under my aims for detox involves blogging once more.

Lauren.

  "You knew Lauren Tanner?"
  "Oh I'd met her at a couple of parties. Rich brat who thought she owned the world." He rolled his eyes. "But damn, she was a fine piece of ass", he added with a wink.
  It was the beeping of his phone, demanding his immediate attention, which spared him from the cold look that flashed in her steely grey eyes. If looks could kill...

now you're just somebody that i used to know.

   i think about how we'd taken it for granted that we'd always be there for each other. we'd never for once believed that any circumstance could ever compel us to fall apart. it all seemed so easy back then, everything was crystal clear. we knew what we wanted, we'd made our choices.
   if only life was that easy.
   after things changed we still believed we could go back to being our old selves. but no matter how hard we tried, there was always something in the way. as reluctant as we were to admit it, our needs had changed. life together was no longer the joyous caper which we'd enjoyed every minute of. every effort made to bring a smile to each others' face seemed cumbersome.
   i had no idea how i'd let you go. the promises we'd made weren't things i could cast off lightly, neither of us was blessed with a heart of stone. besides, i was apprehensive of the idea of life without you, all i'd had for the past decade was the assurance of your unwavering support.
   as our relationship began to get more strained, we realised we had no choice. we parted ways amicably, not for once letting anyone see how the pain gnawed on our insides.we immersed ourselves in our lives, taking every precaution to ensure our paths never crossed. eventually, the pain subsided, the memories faded and the traces of the fact that you and i were ever one slowly vanished.
   the man i was 6 years ago, holding you in my arms and listening to you sing softly about everlasting love would never have pictured himself in this place.
   ...and yet, here i am.

P.S. excuse the random switching from 'we' to 'i', but that's the way it is.

to do list ^^

i'd never change. not for you, not for myself either.

 

 

you & i - part I

22nd March, 2011

 he's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, i hate his guts, and he's everything i want.

26th May, 2011

he's hurt me so much more than the others. when i think of Brian and how he tried so hard to make me happy, it seems ridiculous and unfair that i find myself falling for him instead.

17th July, 2011

i realised i've been dwelling on the negative side of our relationship. when i recount our times together, i actually find that the happy moments outnumber the unhappy ones by far. i also realise that i haven't ever really tried to understand everything that goes on behind the impassive mask he wears. i've hurt him just as much. probably more.

 7th September, 2011

i don't know... something's changed. in situations where i expect him to pass one of his characteristic biting remarks, he catches me off guard by being undeniably sweet. and that leaves me confused, speechless. all the defensive retorts that bubble up out of habit are rendered pointless.

28th October, 2011

it scares me sometimes, how incredibly nice he can be. it was so much easier to convince myself to hate his old self. i wish he'd bring back to life the jackass of a person he was, or maybe just go away. as much as either of these might hurt, it's probably best for me. best for both of us.

14th December, 2011

i look back to my younger self and she makes me want to laugh. i wonder if she had any idea what she was getting into. if that girl knew how much i cared about him now, she'd think i'd lost my mind. come to think of it, i think so myself.

4th February, 2012

sometimes i wonder if he knows. something tells me he does. and the fact that he sticks around anyway is comforting.

21st March, 2012

it's been a week since he told me he cares and i find that i still can't get my head around that piece of information. i'd always thought that i was a kind of pastime he engaged in when he had nothing better on his hands... well not always. there had been moments when i'd believed that there was so much more to it but then i'd eventually wave it away as a product of my hyperactive imagination. i wouldn't be surprised if his latest confession is one of those as well.

3rd April, 2012

today when he asked me why i like him, i found myself floundering for a reply. it isn't that i don't know why, it's just that i can't really pin it all down in words. and even though he got no fitting response, strangely enough, i know his question wasn't left unanswered.

5th April, 2012

lately, i've been thinking about the things that are going to change. he tries to convince me that it'll last but his attempts are futile. there's a nagging feeling that this is just momentary and insubstantial. i try to rid myself of it, but the feeling persists. in the end, i decide it's best to give up. i instruct myself to stop worrying and lose myself in all that we have for now.

TooBusy ToBlog-phase continues...

   anyway, here's a song that i can't get out of my head:

there's something about her voice... and the video (the actual one which i can't share here because of all the copyright stuff.)... 

it haunts you.

oh and here's a picture which made me smile:

Swann vs. Swan

 haha!

this made my day

Cristiano Ronaldo

i love him so much :')

Anonymity.

strange thing that. she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.
   They don't know who I am,  they only see what I show them. 

   They don't know who I am, so I can let them in on everything. They'd judge me - that's what they all do - but their verdicts are insubstantial because they do not know who they are pointing fingers at. 

   They don't know who I am and that gives them the courage to be brutally honest.

   They don't know I am and that makes it possible for me to say exactly what I have to say, shorn off all pretense and politeness. 

   They don't know who I am, so I needn't bother to defend myself.

   They don't know who I am which means I have a place to hide.

   They don't know who I am, so I can be who I want to be. 

   They don't know who I am, and that gives me the power to get away with anything.
she did quite like it in the beginning. but with time she began to realise, with anonymity comes invisibility. and that is a price she isn't sure she's willing to pay.

P.S. forgive me for my absence, my *innumerable* readers. (x i can't offer you an explanation, it's just that blogging stopped feeling right for a while. but i'm back now... i think.
   oh and:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUKE WRIGHT!

five pictures i randomly feel like posting

Mr. Krabs

i had a very (pointless) expensive weekend and i realized, when it comes to money, i really need some help. |:

Takashi Morinozuka

Mori sempai is officially the most handsome anime man to have ever been created. <3

this is to a certain someone who i'm currently finding unbearably mean. ><

yeeeah. the thing is, i've been trying to write lately. it's turning out to be harder than i expected.

Sven Vollfied & Train Heartnet (Black Cat)

Cole said this picture reminds her of us - back in 8th grade, i was Sven Vollfield (eyepatch+hat guy) and Cole was Black Cat. so this one's for all the anime we died over last night. :D

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCAS!

   i started obsessing over him a week back. Lucas Piazón. such lovely silky brown hair, and his SMILE! oh his smile... <love sigh> don't you simply hate it when men do that to you?

   he turned eighteen today. and i'm on my way to sixteen. i mean, think of all the POSSIBILITIES!!

- i go to England, meet him at a bar. it's love at first.

- i go to Brazil, bump into him in a random mall. our eyes meet, sparks fly. it's meant to be.

   if only, IF ONLY it would all work out!

a second chance.

   i'm supposed to meet him at six.
accustomed to my unpunctual ways, he'd begs me to make it on time. just this once.
   5.49 and i still haven't made up my mind.
   for the first time i'd put my needs first - i'd done it for myself. if i choose to go back now, everything i've achieved in the past few months will be rendered inconsequential. do i really want to risk it?
   but then again, doesn't he deserve a chance? everyone has their faults, their imperfections. and somewhere, buried beneath the painful memories, i realize i want to hear him out. there's still a part of me that seeks consolation, some kind of  assurance that people can change for the better.
   a part of me says this will be another of one those meaningless exchanges. another part believes that this time, things will be different.
   5.56.
it isn't right, i know deep in my heart, but i decide to go anyway. for old times' sake.
   6.01: he's standing by our tree.
as i walk down the road, i remember that cold night... our first kiss. i had been warned but i was blinded, taken up by the magic of it all. if only i hadn't been that naive...
   i see him leaning against the trunk casually and i feel the old fear surfacing. the wild look in his eyes, his menacing grip... i should turn back.
   he sees me approach. i watch him tense. a strange expression flits across his face.
   i've seen that look before.
   i want to turn around but i can't. i want to run and scream and hide but i realize it's going to get me nowhere. i'd fallen into the trap a second time, and now i would pay the consequences.

i have no idea where this is going.

she'd always been convinced they were simply fooling around. now, three months later, she isn't all too sure.
   she's beginning to see things she'd never noticed before. and these give her hope. she finds a subtle message hidden in everything he says, but she isn't sure if she's reading it right. she can feel something in the air, certain things which need to be shared but she wonders why they're being left unsaid. she's worried she could be over-thinking things - she always does that. she doesn't want to get her hopes up too high - she's built innumerable castles in the air, only to watch them all fall apart. but she can't help herself, there's always the nagging 'what if'... what if this time it's for real. that's when she realises that this is something she doesn't want to lose. she's willing to give it her all, but before she does so she needs to make sure it's worth it. she's made lots of mistakes, and if there's anything she's learnt from them it's that once she's taken a faulty step, there's no going back - she will have to see it through to the end. and she knows she can't bear to have her heart broken again - she'd fall apart. but she finds it so hard not to believe that somehwere, concealed in the midst of his flippant remarks, is a promise that he'll never let her down. it's something she's yearned for forever - that safe, secure feeling of knowing she's loved - now that she can feel it's presence, shouldn't she just reach out and grab it? but then again she remembers those lonely dark nights she'd spent crying herself to sleep, all because her faith in goodness and love had blinded her and reality had hit her far too late. and that's when the illusion breaks.
   she's confused, lost, absolutely clueless. are things really only what they seem to be or is there so much more behind the walls they're both unwilling to break down? would she be making a mistake if she ignores this chance, letting it pass by because it seems to good to to be true? do the sparks she feels, the feelings she senses are being suppressed even exist?
   she's tired of wondering, tired of analyzing, tired of dreaming.
   she wishes she could just let go of herself and BELIEVE.

who knew AB de Villiers could sing?

   this song is exactly what i need to hear right now. (:

it's funny how i'm actually waiting for March so i can do my Boards. sure it's just another exam which nearly every 16 year old in the country will be writing, but it still feels pretty major. it finally feels like i'm getting somewhere in life. it's like i finally get to do something big, something that's gonna take me one step closer to being everything that i want to be.

   sure it's annoying, with all the studying to do, but it feels like i have a 'purpose' in life, lol. yeah, it's just an exam but... oh i don't know. i'm just know this is something where i really want to live up to everyone's expectations and i'm gonna give it my best. ^^

   oh and here's another song by him, it's in Afrikaans and  the second half of the video makes no sense but i like it. even though i don't know what he's saying, i think i get what he's trying to say:

Here's to y'all - make your dreams come true!

and i thought it was all perfect.

I. out of place.
realisation: surface appeal = essential.

II. newfound interests.
realisation:  things aren't quite as terrible as they seem.

III. floating... a starry sky. celebrations - red and blue balloons.
realisation: the smallest things can be made special.

IV. bonding.
realisation: some people are invaluable.

V. long talks, long walks. endless summer days.
realisation: time can stand still.

VI.too many people, too many problems.
realisation: neglected and misunderstood.

VII. acceptance and confrontation.
realisation: some things must remain unsaid.

VIII. adventures and mishaps.
realisation: some people are just not cut out for certain kinds of things.

IX. expectations.
realisation: desire to surpass them all.

X. people seen in a whole new light.
realisation: there is still so much to learn.

XI. new connections.
realisation: they can never replace the old ones.

XII. beauty.
realisation: a desire to be recognised.

XIII. perfect moments.
realisation: they vanish in the blink of an eye.

XIV. windfall of changes.
realisation: i could lose you.

XV. the end is near.
realisation: time can pass by far too fast.

XVI. lonely, drunk, miserable.
realisation: it's all over.

XVII. pressurized, stressed, anxious.
realisation: unless i try, things can never get better. 

XVIII. inspiration, hope.
realisation: it's time to start afresh.

XIX. memories, strength, love.
realisation: i can do this on my own.