the end of an era

last entry in my diary. boy, did i cry like crazy! i love her. :')

Sunday, 14 August, 2011

Dear xxxxx (privacy issues),
    i have indeed been most unfaithful to you, my dear diary. i've neglected you for 3 months, something i wouldn't even have dreamt of doing a few years back. and here i am, after 3 months of absolute silence, to apologize yes, and to tell you something that might hurt even more.
    i was 11 when i first read Anne Frank. 11 when, drawing inspiration from her, i decided to write a diary. 11 when i started writing to you. and for the next 4 years, you were the one who listened to my troubles, fears, joys and sorrows. the crazy mood spells, longings, "adolescent issues", stupid crushes, stupid bitchy fights - i told you about it all.

"Paper has more patience than people."

   trust me, no one knows the true meaning of that line better than i do. when i was reading through the volumes and volumes i've written over the past 4 years the other day, i wondered how you'd managed to put up with ALL of my bullshit. dear God, was i one crazy kid!! but you never complained. you just stayed, letting me spill my innermost thoughts and somehow, that comforted me, made it easier to pull through the hard times, made me stronger each time.

   you're more than just a bunch of pages, xxxxx. i'd like to think that i know my true self today - my strengths, my weaknesses, my abilities, my limitations. and honestly, i owe it all to you. something about the simple act of writing down every thought that crossed my mind has made me a better person. don't ask me how, but it's you who taught me to value the simplest joys of life. i love you. ♥

   now to the hard part:

lately, i've realized that i don't need to write anymore. i can get on with life without confiding in anyone. sure, it's nice to have someone lend an ear once in a while, but it isn't like it used to be. i don't need to write in order to clear out my head - if i give it enough time, the thoughts unravel themselves. i don't need to write in order to cope with problems - it's like i have this inner well of strength which pulls me through, no matter what. i know this is cruel, but i have to say it - i don't think i need you anymore.

   i know what you're gonna say. you'll say i've been using you. and i'll admit it, yes i have. but isn't that the whole reason why i called upon you? i needed someone i could run to when i needed solace. and who could fill in that void but you? i did use you. but now, i am ready to let you go.

   xxxxx, you'll always be the person who was closest to my heart. no one will ever know me like you did. you were (and still are) an integral part of me. you're free from the pages i poured my heart into. you're free to go offer your services to another 11 year old lost in a corner of the world, looking for a companion.
looking for herself.