Friday, 6 April 2012

you & i - part I

22nd March, 2011
 he's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, i hate his guts, and he's everything i want.

26th May, 2011
he's hurt me so much more than the others. when i think of Brian and how he tried so hard to make me happy, it seems ridiculous and unfair that i find myself falling for him instead.

17th July, 2011
i realised i've been dwelling on the negative side of our relationship. when i recount our times together, i actually find that the happy moments outnumber the unhappy ones by far. i also realise that i haven't ever really tried to understand everything that goes on behind the impassive mask he wears. i've hurt him just as much. probably more.

 7th September, 2011
i don't know... something's changed. in situations where i expect him to pass one of his characteristic biting remarks, he catches me off guard by being undeniably sweet. and that leaves me confused, speechless. all the defensive retorts that bubble up out of habit are rendered pointless.

28th October, 2011
it scares me sometimes, how incredibly nice he can be. it was so much easier to convince myself to hate his old self. i wish he'd bring back to life the jackass of a person he was, or maybe just go away. as much as either of these might hurt, it's probably best for me. best for both of us.

14th December, 2011
i look back to my younger self and she makes me want to laugh. i wonder if she had any idea what she was getting into. if that girl knew how much i cared about him now, she'd think i'd lost my mind. come to think of it, i think so myself.

4th February, 2012
sometimes i wonder if he knows. something tells me he does. and the fact that he sticks around anyway is comforting.

21st March, 2012
it's been a week since he told me he cares and i find that i still can't get my head around that piece of information. i'd always thought that i was a kind of pastime he engaged in when he had nothing better on his hands... well not always. there had been moments when i'd believed that there was so much more to it but then i'd eventually wave it away as a product of my hyperactive imagination. i wouldn't be surprised if his latest confession is one of those as well.

3rd April, 2012
today when he asked me why i like him, i found myself floundering for a reply. it isn't that i don't know why, it's just that i can't really pin it all down in words. and even though he got no fitting response, strangely enough, i know his question wasn't left unanswered.

5th April, 2012
lately, i've been thinking about the things that are going to change. he tries to convince me that it'll last but his attempts are futile. there's a nagging feeling that this is just momentary and insubstantial. i try to rid myself of it, but the feeling persists. in the end, i decide it's best to give up. i instruct myself to stop worrying and lose myself in all that we have for now.
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