Someday

   Someday you'll remember waking up, not ready to get out of the secure cocoon of your covers. You'll remember averting your eyes from your reflection every time you stood before a mirror. You'll remember every step you took, making you wish you could shrink into nothingness. You'll remember feeling invisible as glances sweep by, rejected as you stand on the fringe of a circle. You'll remember walking home alone, evenings spent dreaming of a better life. You'll remember nights spent crying yourself to sleep, craving for a hug or just a pat on the back to get you through.
   Someday you'll rediscover the safe haven you had built to take you away from everyone, and everything. You'll remember the joy and strength it gave you...before it too turned traitor. You'll remember how the realization that you had nothing and no one finally hit home. You'll the remember the sleepless nights that followed, and the thoughts that rattled in your head, refusing to leave.
   Someday you'll remember when you finally gave in. You'll remember picking up the kitchen knife, carefully choosing the one with most potential. You'll feel sick in your stomach as you hide it when you walk past your sibling watching TV in the living room, and enter the bathroom. You'll remember sitting on the bathroom floor for over two hours, knife in hand. You'll remember the first few superficial cuts you made, just to get to know how it feels. You'll remember hearing your sibling call out, "Hey, what are you doing in there for so long?" You'll remember closing your eyes, breathing in deeply, and telling yourself over and over "Just do it."
   Someday you'll remember that feeble voice in your head that had been trying to make itself heard for so long, over the tumult and rush of each day. You'll remember how it whispered, "We'll make it through. Things will get better." You'll remember how you finally listened to it, letting the voice grow stronger until it filled your head with hope and encouragement. You'll remember walking out of the bathroom, knife in hand, to put it back in place. You'll remember how liberating it felt to give yourself a second chance.
   Someday you will think of where you are, and the changes it took to bring you there. You'll greet each new day eagerly. You'll smile at the face in the mirror. You'll be amazed at the wonders of being in control of your life. You'll be aware of the difference your presence in the world makes. You'll know by then that the person who can make you happiest is yourself. You'll realise that the person you most need to be loved by is yourself.
   Someday you will look back and you will be glad you didn't let go. You'll be proud that you held on.
 

Steps to Recovery (:

Today I feel wonderful.
  I'm still prone to some self-sabotaging behaviours. I still pick myself apart in the mirror, flaw by flaw. I still can't go through a magazine, or watch a movie, or walk down the road without wishing I could be that beautiful girl. I'm still worried about how others see me, and each day the way I see myself is killing me. I've still got to learn to quieten that voice in my head, drowning out every trace of self-confidence.
  But today isn't the day when the same old recurring cycle of thoughts play through my mind. Today I feel amazing because I know that I've come quite a long way from where I was at the beginning of this year. Remember the day I wrote to you about my mission to detox? Well I've made progress. Yes with the help of that (ridiculous) therapist of mine! Would you believe it?!
  After a long evening of soul searching, I found that I could let go of something I've been holding on to for the past seven years of my life. I realised that in my desperate attempts to decree the right and the wrong, I had only hurt the ones I loved. I am still unsure if it is my place to play judge. But I did realize that this was one of those things, like many other things in the world, that can't be labelled black or white. Maybe you can, but I can't. I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier, considering I'm one of those girls who believe the world is mostly just shades of gray. I know both sides of the story, and I understand why each did as they have done. And at that instant, I can't write in words how it felt to have that burden lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain how it felt - knowing I didn't have to choose a side. I could love them both boundlessly, unconditionally. Just the way they had always loved me.
  I cried a lot that evening. I cried for all the girls I'd been since I was eleven. I cried for every time I had deliberately hurt either of them, believing it was the right thing to do. But mostly I cried because I was so relieved that it was all over. I had forgiven them - if there ever had been anything to forgive. And I had forgiven myself.

I've been holding on too tight, with nothing in between ~ One Direction

(Who knew I'd ever find meaning in a lyric by that silly boy band.)

  My soul searching isn't done yet. I still have a long way to go, a lot more mind space to detox. A lot more digging to do with the karmic shovel my imaginary therapist purchased in an imaginary DIY store across the street. But today, I'm not going to dwell on my need for self acceptance.

  Today I'm going to celebrate the realisation that I can let go. I believe that despite the differences, we can still come together, finishing the picture. When you stand back and look at us, you'll see the jagged edges, the pieces that don't fit beside each other. But you won't be able to deny that somehow, strangely, in a tumultuous inexplicable universe, the picture is complete. 

now you're just somebody that i used to know.

   i think about how we'd taken it for granted that we'd always be there for each other. we'd never for once believed that any circumstance could ever compel us to fall apart. it all seemed so easy back then, everything was crystal clear. we knew what we wanted, we'd made our choices.
   if only life was that easy.
   after things changed we still believed we could go back to being our old selves. but no matter how hard we tried, there was always something in the way. as reluctant as we were to admit it, our needs had changed. life together was no longer the joyous caper which we'd enjoyed every minute of. every effort made to bring a smile to each others' face seemed cumbersome.
   i had no idea how i'd let you go. the promises we'd made weren't things i could cast off lightly, neither of us was blessed with a heart of stone. besides, i was apprehensive of the idea of life without you, all i'd had for the past decade was the assurance of your unwavering support.
   as our relationship began to get more strained, we realised we had no choice. we parted ways amicably, not for once letting anyone see how the pain gnawed on our insides.we immersed ourselves in our lives, taking every precaution to ensure our paths never crossed. eventually, the pain subsided, the memories faded and the traces of the fact that you and i were ever one slowly vanished.
   the man i was 6 years ago, holding you in my arms and listening to you sing softly about everlasting love would never have pictured himself in this place.
   ...and yet, here i am.

P.S. excuse the random switching from 'we' to 'i', but that's the way it is.

a second chance.

   i'm supposed to meet him at six.
accustomed to my unpunctual ways, he'd begs me to make it on time. just this once.
   5.49 and i still haven't made up my mind.
   for the first time i'd put my needs first - i'd done it for myself. if i choose to go back now, everything i've achieved in the past few months will be rendered inconsequential. do i really want to risk it?
   but then again, doesn't he deserve a chance? everyone has their faults, their imperfections. and somewhere, buried beneath the painful memories, i realize i want to hear him out. there's still a part of me that seeks consolation, some kind of  assurance that people can change for the better.
   a part of me says this will be another of one those meaningless exchanges. another part believes that this time, things will be different.
   5.56.
it isn't right, i know deep in my heart, but i decide to go anyway. for old times' sake.
   6.01: he's standing by our tree.
as i walk down the road, i remember that cold night... our first kiss. i had been warned but i was blinded, taken up by the magic of it all. if only i hadn't been that naive...
   i see him leaning against the trunk casually and i feel the old fear surfacing. the wild look in his eyes, his menacing grip... i should turn back.
   he sees me approach. i watch him tense. a strange expression flits across his face.
   i've seen that look before.
   i want to turn around but i can't. i want to run and scream and hide but i realize it's going to get me nowhere. i'd fallen into the trap a second time, and now i would pay the consequences.

i have no idea where this is going.

she'd always been convinced they were simply fooling around. now, three months later, she isn't all too sure.
   she's beginning to see things she'd never noticed before. and these give her hope. she finds a subtle message hidden in everything he says, but she isn't sure if she's reading it right. she can feel something in the air, certain things which need to be shared but she wonders why they're being left unsaid. she's worried she could be over-thinking things - she always does that. she doesn't want to get her hopes up too high - she's built innumerable castles in the air, only to watch them all fall apart. but she can't help herself, there's always the nagging 'what if'... what if this time it's for real. that's when she realises that this is something she doesn't want to lose. she's willing to give it her all, but before she does so she needs to make sure it's worth it. she's made lots of mistakes, and if there's anything she's learnt from them it's that once she's taken a faulty step, there's no going back - she will have to see it through to the end. and she knows she can't bear to have her heart broken again - she'd fall apart. but she finds it so hard not to believe that somehwere, concealed in the midst of his flippant remarks, is a promise that he'll never let her down. it's something she's yearned for forever - that safe, secure feeling of knowing she's loved - now that she can feel it's presence, shouldn't she just reach out and grab it? but then again she remembers those lonely dark nights she'd spent crying herself to sleep, all because her faith in goodness and love had blinded her and reality had hit her far too late. and that's when the illusion breaks.
   she's confused, lost, absolutely clueless. are things really only what they seem to be or is there so much more behind the walls they're both unwilling to break down? would she be making a mistake if she ignores this chance, letting it pass by because it seems to good to to be true? do the sparks she feels, the feelings she senses are being suppressed even exist?
   she's tired of wondering, tired of analyzing, tired of dreaming.
   she wishes she could just let go of herself and BELIEVE.

five things i really wanna do

it's my Dad's birthday today. i wish i could gift him more time to do the things he likes, he's always so busy with work. anyway, five things i wanna do:

festive feel! not really, no.

   i don't know why but i've never actually liked this festival much but i have nothing against watching pretty fireworks light up the sky ^^

my secret haven