Sunday, 16 December 2012

Lauren.

  "You knew Lauren Tanner?"
  "Oh I'd met her at a couple of parties. Rich brat who thought she owned the world." He rolled his eyes. "But damn, she was a fine piece of ass", he added with a wink.
  It was the beeping of his phone, demanding his immediate attention, which spared him from the cold look that flashed in her steely grey eyes. If looks could kill...

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

now you're just somebody that i used to know.

   i think about how we'd taken it for granted that we'd always be there for each other. we'd never for once believed that any circumstance could ever compel us to fall apart. it all seemed so easy back then, everything was crystal clear. we knew what we wanted, we'd made our choices.
   if only life was that easy.
   after things changed we still believed we could go back to being our old selves. but no matter how hard we tried, there was always something in the way. as reluctant as we were to admit it, our needs had changed. life together was no longer the joyous caper which we'd enjoyed every minute of. every effort made to bring a smile to each others' face seemed cumbersome.
   i had no idea how i'd let you go. the promises we'd made weren't things i could cast off lightly, neither of us was blessed with a heart of stone. besides, i was apprehensive of the idea of life without you, all i'd had for the past decade was the assurance of your unwavering support.
   as our relationship began to get more strained, we realised we had no choice. we parted ways amicably, not for once letting anyone see how the pain gnawed on our insides.we immersed ourselves in our lives, taking every precaution to ensure our paths never crossed. eventually, the pain subsided, the memories faded and the traces of the fact that you and i were ever one slowly vanished.
   the man i was 6 years ago, holding you in my arms and listening to you sing softly about everlasting love would never have pictured himself in this place.
   ...and yet, here i am.

P.S. excuse the random switching from 'we' to 'i', but that's the way it is.

Friday, 6 April 2012

you & i - part I

22nd March, 2011
 he's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, i hate his guts, and he's everything i want.

26th May, 2011
he's hurt me so much more than the others. when i think of Brian and how he tried so hard to make me happy, it seems ridiculous and unfair that i find myself falling for him instead.

17th July, 2011
i realised i've been dwelling on the negative side of our relationship. when i recount our times together, i actually find that the happy moments outnumber the unhappy ones by far. i also realise that i haven't ever really tried to understand everything that goes on behind the impassive mask he wears. i've hurt him just as much. probably more.

 7th September, 2011
i don't know... something's changed. in situations where i expect him to pass one of his characteristic biting remarks, he catches me off guard by being undeniably sweet. and that leaves me confused, speechless. all the defensive retorts that bubble up out of habit are rendered pointless.

28th October, 2011
it scares me sometimes, how incredibly nice he can be. it was so much easier to convince myself to hate his old self. i wish he'd bring back to life the jackass of a person he was, or maybe just go away. as much as either of these might hurt, it's probably best for me. best for both of us.

14th December, 2011
i look back to my younger self and she makes me want to laugh. i wonder if she had any idea what she was getting into. if that girl knew how much i cared about him now, she'd think i'd lost my mind. come to think of it, i think so myself.

4th February, 2012
sometimes i wonder if he knows. something tells me he does. and the fact that he sticks around anyway is comforting.

21st March, 2012
it's been a week since he told me he cares and i find that i still can't get my head around that piece of information. i'd always thought that i was a kind of pastime he engaged in when he had nothing better on his hands... well not always. there had been moments when i'd believed that there was so much more to it but then i'd eventually wave it away as a product of my hyperactive imagination. i wouldn't be surprised if his latest confession is one of those as well.

3rd April, 2012
today when he asked me why i like him, i found myself floundering for a reply. it isn't that i don't know why, it's just that i can't really pin it all down in words. and even though he got no fitting response, strangely enough, i know his question wasn't left unanswered.

5th April, 2012
lately, i've been thinking about the things that are going to change. he tries to convince me that it'll last but his attempts are futile. there's a nagging feeling that this is just momentary and insubstantial. i try to rid myself of it, but the feeling persists. in the end, i decide it's best to give up. i instruct myself to stop worrying and lose myself in all that we have for now.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

TooBusy ToBlog-phase continues...

   anyway, here's a song that i can't get out of my head:
there's something about her voice... and the video (the actual one which i can't share here because of all the copyright stuff.)... 
it haunts you.

oh and here's a picture which made me smile:
Swann vs. Swan
 haha!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Anonymity.

strange thing that. she wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.
   They don't know who I am,  they only see what I show them. 
   They don't know who I am, so I can let them in on everything. They'd judge me - that's what they all do - but their verdicts are insubstantial because they do not know who they are pointing fingers at. 
   They don't know who I am and that gives them the courage to be brutally honest.
   They don't know I am and that makes it possible for me to say exactly what I have to say, shorn off all pretense and politeness. 
   They don't know who I am, so I needn't bother to defend myself.
   They don't know who I am which means I have a place to hide.
   They don't know who I am, so I can be who I want to be. 
   They don't know who I am, and that gives me the power to get away with anything.
she did quite like it in the beginning. but with time she began to realise, with anonymity comes invisibility. and that is a price she isn't sure she's willing to pay.

P.S. forgive me for my absence, my *innumerable* readers. (x i can't offer you an explanation, it's just that blogging stopped feeling right for a while. but i'm back now... i think.
   oh and:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUKE WRIGHT!

Sunday, 22 January 2012

five pictures i randomly feel like posting


Mr. Krabs
i had a very (pointless) expensive weekend and i realized, when it comes to money, i really need some help. |:

Takashi Morinozuka
Mori sempai is officially the most handsome anime man to have ever been created. <3

this is to a certain someone who i'm currently finding unbearably mean. ><
yeeeah. the thing is, i've been trying to write lately. it's turning out to be harder than i expected.

Sven Vollfied & Train Heartnet (Black Cat)
Cole said this picture reminds her of us - back in 8th grade, i was Sven Vollfield (eyepatch+hat guy) and Cole was Black Cat. so this one's for all the anime we died over last night. :D

Friday, 20 January 2012

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUCAS!
   i started obsessing over him a week back. Lucas Piazón. such lovely silky brown hair, and his SMILE! oh his smile... <love sigh> don't you simply hate it when men do that to you?
   he turned eighteen today. and i'm on my way to sixteen. i mean, think of all the POSSIBILITIES!!
- i go to England, meet him at a bar. it's love at first.
- i go to Brazil, bump into him in a random mall. our eyes meet, sparks fly. it's meant to be.
   if only, IF ONLY it would all work out!

Thursday, 19 January 2012

a second chance.

   i'm supposed to meet him at six.
accustomed to my unpunctual ways, he'd begs me to make it on time. just this once.
   5.49 and i still haven't made up my mind.
   for the first time i'd put my needs first - i'd done it for myself. if i choose to go back now, everything i've achieved in the past few months will be rendered inconsequential. do i really want to risk it?
   but then again, doesn't he deserve a chance? everyone has their faults, their imperfections. and somewhere, buried beneath the painful memories, i realize i want to hear him out. there's still a part of me that seeks consolation, some kind of  assurance that people can change for the better.
   a part of me says this will be another of one those meaningless exchanges. another part believes that this time, things will be different.
   5.56.
it isn't right, i know deep in my heart, but i decide to go anyway. for old times' sake.
   6.01: he's standing by our tree.
as i walk down the road, i remember that cold night... our first kiss. i had been warned but i was blinded, taken up by the magic of it all. if only i hadn't been that naive...
   i see him leaning against the trunk casually and i feel the old fear surfacing. the wild look in his eyes, his menacing grip... i should turn back.
   he sees me approach. i watch him tense. a strange expression flits across his face.
   i've seen that look before.
   i want to turn around but i can't. i want to run and scream and hide but i realize it's going to get me nowhere. i'd fallen into the trap a second time, and now i would pay the consequences.

Monday, 16 January 2012

i have no idea where this is going.

she'd always been convinced they were simply fooling around. now, three months later, she isn't all too sure.
   she's beginning to see things she'd never noticed before. and these give her hope. she finds a subtle message hidden in everything he says, but she isn't sure if she's reading it right. she can feel something in the air, certain things which need to be shared but she wonders why they're being left unsaid. she's worried she could be over-thinking things - she always does that. she doesn't want to get her hopes up too high - she's built innumerable castles in the air, only to watch them all fall apart. but she can't help herself, there's always the nagging 'what if'... what if this time it's for real. that's when she realises that this is something she doesn't want to lose. she's willing to give it her all, but before she does so she needs to make sure it's worth it. she's made lots of mistakes, and if there's anything she's learnt from them it's that once she's taken a faulty step, there's no going back - she will have to see it through to the end. and she knows she can't bear to have her heart broken again - she'd fall apart. but she finds it so hard not to believe that somehwere, concealed in the midst of his flippant remarks, is a promise that he'll never let her down. it's something she's yearned for forever - that safe, secure feeling of knowing she's loved - now that she can feel it's presence, shouldn't she just reach out and grab it? but then again she remembers those lonely dark nights she'd spent crying herself to sleep, all because her faith in goodness and love had blinded her and reality had hit her far too late. and that's when the illusion breaks.
   she's confused, lost, absolutely clueless. are things really only what they seem to be or is there so much more behind the walls they're both unwilling to break down? would she be making a mistake if she ignores this chance, letting it pass by because it seems to good to to be true? do the sparks she feels, the feelings she senses are being suppressed even exist?
   she's tired of wondering, tired of analyzing, tired of dreaming.
   she wishes she could just let go of herself and BELIEVE.

Friday, 13 January 2012

who knew AB de Villiers could sing?

   this song is exactly what i need to hear right now. (:
it's funny how i'm actually waiting for March so i can do my Boards. sure it's just another exam which nearly every 16 year old in the country will be writing, but it still feels pretty major. it finally feels like i'm getting somewhere in life. it's like i finally get to do something big, something that's gonna take me one step closer to being everything that i want to be.
   sure it's annoying, with all the studying to do, but it feels like i have a 'purpose' in life, lol. yeah, it's just an exam but... oh i don't know. i'm just know this is something where i really want to live up to everyone's expectations and i'm gonna give it my best. ^^
   oh and here's another song by him, it's in Afrikaans and  the second half of the video makes no sense but i like it. even though i don't know what he's saying, i think i get what he's trying to say:
Here's to y'all - make your dreams come true!

Sunday, 8 January 2012

and i thought it was all perfect.

I. out of place.
realisation: surface appeal = essential.

II. newfound interests.
realisation:  things aren't quite as terrible as they seem.

III. floating... a starry sky. celebrations - red and blue balloons.
realisation: the smallest things can be made special.

IV. bonding.
realisation: some people are invaluable.

V. long talks, long walks. endless summer days.
realisation: time can stand still.

VI.too many people, too many problems.
realisation: neglected and misunderstood.

VII. acceptance and confrontation.
realisation: some things must remain unsaid.

VIII. adventures and mishaps.
realisation: some people are just not cut out for certain kinds of things.

IX. expectations.
realisation: desire to surpass them all.

X. people seen in a whole new light.
realisation: there is still so much to learn.

XI. new connections.
realisation: they can never replace the old ones.

XII. beauty.
realisation: a desire to be recognised.

XIII. perfect moments.
realisation: they vanish in the blink of an eye.

XIV. windfall of changes.
realisation: i could lose you.

XV. the end is near.
realisation: time can pass by far too fast.

XVI. lonely, drunk, miserable.
realisation: it's all over.

XVII. pressurized, stressed, anxious.
realisation: unless i try, things can never get better. 

XVIII. inspiration, hope.
realisation: it's time to start afresh.

XIX. memories, strength, love.
realisation: i can do this on my own.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Five reasons why i'm failing in my History exam on Monday


1. sadly:
it was all wet and cold this morning and i don't know why... i couldn't help but think about him, picture a 101 different scenarios, all with, perfect happy endings... *sigh*
   and that's what i did all morning.

2. i spent all afternoon watching the KFC Big Bash.
  i couldn't helpy myself - i finally got to watch him play! after nearly a YEAR!!
Luke Wright (Melbourne Stars vs. Melbourne Renegades)
he is such a gorgeous man.

3. i spent one part of my evening watching Charlie's Angels 1 AND 2, back to back.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
   i remember pretending to be Dylan when i was a kid.
when i was a kid who didn't have a big fat book to learn up by Sunday.

4. the rest of my evening was spent catching up on all the happenings in the lives of the other super hot English cricketers oh and in the process, i found this:
my Jimmy is The Bomb. ^^

5. and now i'm off to bed.

Friday, 6 January 2012

happy new year, y'all!

   sorry, i was in Atlantis. i surfaced just yesterday, shed the fins, and got myself all set for my pre-boards. wish me luck, 'cuz boy am i gonna need it!
   i hope you guys had a wonderful NYE :) as for me.. well, it was my first NYE spent alone. my family was away - they came back the next morning. it was also the first time i spent a night all alone at home. i watched 6 movies - Inception, What Happens In Vegas, The A Team, Red Eye, The Sixth Sense, Wedding Crashers - and 5 episodes of Big Bang Theory (basically random things on TV), ate 3 mugs of Wai Wai, stalked my two favourite people on my Facebook friend list and called my ex-whatever-he-was and actually had quite a nice conversation with him. i'm not sure if you'd call it a conversation though, i mean, i was the one doing most of all the talking. he just sat there being dumb. which is surprising, because it used to be the way round before. back then i would've killed to make him shut up. i think he felt awkward. it must've been, considering the note we parted on... and then i randomly call him 3 years later. hmm. i probably shouldn't have. but whatever.
   it was a nice, laid back day and i kinda needed the alone time, so no complaints.
have a great year everyone. ^^
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