Flowers In Your Hair

I wrote my first poem today! Please don't laugh at my attempt! It's only my first!

I follow your gaze,

My eyes alight upon the mirror

Your eyebrows scrunched down,

Hairbrush in hand, thoughtful.

If I may suggest -

Perhaps you should wear

Flowers in your hair tonight.

Upon your dresser lies a package,

Unwrapped, the ribbons undone

Nestling in the dark velvet,

Twin ivory combs, bejeweled

Rubies that catch the light,

Burning bright red flames

Like the tresses they will embellish.

Turn around, here I am

Fresh and dewy and bright

I know this is not my place,

Glittering diamonds, sparkling champagne

I neither shine, nor shimmer

I can only stand by

While your beauty takes the center stage.

Soft white petals against locks of red

Nature's own adorning Nature's pride.

At dawn when I wither

Don't caste me aside,

Keep me with you, a reminder -

When red fades to gray

The journey is not yours alone.

Here I am, in my beauty simple and pure,

My fragrance with the mingled scents

Of tears, heartaches and sleepless nights,

Of a life that once was enough,

Of all the things you left behind.

Hear me I beg, for old love's sake

Let me be the flowers in your hair tonight.

My Therapist & I

  I had a nice chat with my therapist last night. I did most of the talking, and a lot of it - actually all of it - was me trying to convince her I'm a sociopath. Or maybe someone with some sort of mental illness that requires intense therapy. I don't know if a shrink is supposed to tell you "Hey look, stop being paranoid. You're not dysfunctional! You're totally capable of handling your own problems!" But that is what my shrink told me. But then again, maybe I am not dysfunctional. Just a...I wouldn't say paranoid person, um...I'll go with "a person who is unsure of their true potential." Because that makes me sound like I've got potential lying hidden somewhere buried in an underground recess deep deep deep in the core of the earth... "Hey, don't look down on yourself!" Yes that is also something my shrink said. And I'm gonna listen to that because sociopath or not, I do have self esteem issues. Which I am working on! Yes! Acknowledge your efforts, and give yourself credit! O shrink, your wise (clichéd) words are still ringing in my ears...
  So what if I told you this shrink who I speak of is... well, it's me. Yes me, myself. Yes, I am being my own therapist. Yes, I am counselling myself. Why, you ask? I say lack of resources, time, parental consent or rather lack of a desire to consult parents, or anybody for that matter. I know myself best, and I can be unscrupulous and not hurt my feelings because yes, you can probably counsel yourself (as bizarre as it may seem) but you certainly cannot hurt your own feelings.
  Back to my nice chat with my 'therapist' last night - so the basic impression my 'therapist' developed last night was that for some reason I kept trying to convince myself that I had a mental disorder, that my current situation is to be blamed on something out of my hands, that I need rescuing because I'm incapable of standing up for myself. She found it quite amusing. Why? She asked. And I floundered. I didn't have to answer the question anyway (not that I'd have been able to) because she answered it for me (or I answered it for myself, you could say). She said that I was either trying to wash my hands off the mess I'd gotten into. Or maybe I was just doing what I always did - looking at my actions under a negative light. Which one is it? She asked. and I couldn't answer again. And she said it's a bit of both.
  "You're making a mountain out of a molehill," she said.
I only stared, uncomprehending.
  "Really, it's not as bad as you think it is. You're in the same boat as everyone. It's true, you would have handled it differently two years ago. It's also true that you feel like you have lost what you had two years ago. All I want to say is that two years is not that long. What you say you have lost, you have not lost at all. She is still in you. It's just a matter of digging through the dirt that has accumulated over these two years. But remember, two years is not too long ago, and those layers are not too deep."
  I was annoyed then. She said it like it was a matter of digging in her backyard! I couldn't quite purchase my karmic shovel at a nearby hardware store!
And she said, "why do you think I'm here for you? I'll be your 'karmic shovel', and help you get through those layers and figure yourself out again. Give it some time. It'll all work out, trust me."
  Well...there is really no harm in trusting myself now is there?

Lauren.

  "You knew Lauren Tanner?"
  "Oh I'd met her at a couple of parties. Rich brat who thought she owned the world." He rolled his eyes. "But damn, she was a fine piece of ass", he added with a wink.
  It was the beeping of his phone, demanding his immediate attention, which spared him from the cold look that flashed in her steely grey eyes. If looks could kill...

you & i - part I

22nd March, 2011

 he's annoying, he's hilarious, he's the world's biggest jerk, he makes me want to scream, he ruins my day and saves it at the last minute, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, i hate his guts, and he's everything i want.

26th May, 2011

he's hurt me so much more than the others. when i think of Brian and how he tried so hard to make me happy, it seems ridiculous and unfair that i find myself falling for him instead.

17th July, 2011

i realised i've been dwelling on the negative side of our relationship. when i recount our times together, i actually find that the happy moments outnumber the unhappy ones by far. i also realise that i haven't ever really tried to understand everything that goes on behind the impassive mask he wears. i've hurt him just as much. probably more.

 7th September, 2011

i don't know... something's changed. in situations where i expect him to pass one of his characteristic biting remarks, he catches me off guard by being undeniably sweet. and that leaves me confused, speechless. all the defensive retorts that bubble up out of habit are rendered pointless.

28th October, 2011

it scares me sometimes, how incredibly nice he can be. it was so much easier to convince myself to hate his old self. i wish he'd bring back to life the jackass of a person he was, or maybe just go away. as much as either of these might hurt, it's probably best for me. best for both of us.

14th December, 2011

i look back to my younger self and she makes me want to laugh. i wonder if she had any idea what she was getting into. if that girl knew how much i cared about him now, she'd think i'd lost my mind. come to think of it, i think so myself.

4th February, 2012

sometimes i wonder if he knows. something tells me he does. and the fact that he sticks around anyway is comforting.

21st March, 2012

it's been a week since he told me he cares and i find that i still can't get my head around that piece of information. i'd always thought that i was a kind of pastime he engaged in when he had nothing better on his hands... well not always. there had been moments when i'd believed that there was so much more to it but then i'd eventually wave it away as a product of my hyperactive imagination. i wouldn't be surprised if his latest confession is one of those as well.

3rd April, 2012

today when he asked me why i like him, i found myself floundering for a reply. it isn't that i don't know why, it's just that i can't really pin it all down in words. and even though he got no fitting response, strangely enough, i know his question wasn't left unanswered.

5th April, 2012

lately, i've been thinking about the things that are going to change. he tries to convince me that it'll last but his attempts are futile. there's a nagging feeling that this is just momentary and insubstantial. i try to rid myself of it, but the feeling persists. in the end, i decide it's best to give up. i instruct myself to stop worrying and lose myself in all that we have for now.

Hunter and Tori: Part III

Dear Hunter,

  

  

Love,

Tori

 *******

Dear Tori,

   remember when i said we could make it through together if we tried?

i don't know if i believe that anymore. 

   i want to. i really do. but you're just making things so hard. you've never been this way before. you were always the one, the ONLY one who understood me. but now there's this gap which i just can't bridge. i don't know if i'm doing it wrong, i don't know if you're deliberately choosing to see it wrong.

   it kills me to leave, but i have to. things can't go on this way. you can't keep yourself locked behind that door forever and blame the world for your loneliness.

Love, 

Hunter

Mia: Part II

   i suppose i shouldn't be reading it, but i am. i borrowed Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul from Liz. it's the one i gave her this year, for her 13th birthday. a year and 3 months is far too much, i just have to read it now, i can't wait. besides, Liz and i have read every book together, it isn't fair that we leave this out.
   Liz connected with most of it, she says. she isn't sure if i will. i'm pretty sure i won't as well but then i find this:

Hunter and Tori: Part II

Hunter,
   just so you know, you're running out of chances.

~ Tori

*******

Tori,

   don't ever blame me for not trying.

it's harder than you imagine, but i gave it a shot anyway. it's a pity you didn't acknowledge it. it can't be a one-sided attempt, you know. you need to put in your best as well.

   i hope you realize that before time runs out.

~Hunter

Hunter and Tori: Part I

Dear Hunter,

   i wonder why you said all the things you did. to make me feel better? or was it you just fooling around? you knew my weakness, you used it to your advantage. you knew exactly what i needed, you knew how to say it. you pretended, swearing it was anything but pretence. every time you said you weren't lying when you told me you cared, you lied.
   it's true, i do love you. i'll admit, i want you. but i don't need your lies to make the sun shine brighter. i don't need your pretence to get me through a bad day.
   i don't need you.

~ Tori

*******

Dear Tori,

   i dreamt about you again.

i've given up on trying to get you out of my head. every attempt is absolutely futile. besides, i don't want to. not anymore. i actually believe that we do have a chance, that things can work out if we try. i've started to believe that there is something between us. something i can't name, but something special. something that fills me with inexplicably beautiful feelings, something which keeps me going when all hope is gone.

   i need you, Tori. i've always needed the light you fill my life with. and after all these years of waiting, i think you've finally started feeling the same way too.

Love,

Hunter

Alyss: overcoming obstacle A - Part II

Ray: Part I

meet Ray.

Tuesday, 3rd March, 2009

this is a note from a someone to the someone who reads this sometime in the future.
    you have come back because yes, we need to talk. there's lots i need to tell you but right now, these are three things you need to keep in mind:

Alyss: overcoming obstacle A - Part I

another note from Alyss:
   a lot has been going on lately and um, the way things are going i know it's gonna go from a 'lot' to a lot LOT soon enough. so i figured it's time i need to shuffle my priorities and delete some of the so-called ones from my list.
   meet obstacle A, the first one that needs to be shoved off.
Obstacle A has been tottering on the brink of removal for one entire year. he's a very insistent little thing who is extremely hard to get rid off. just when you think he's gone, someone taps you on the shoulder and there you go! it's A again.
   but this time, things are gonna be different. drastically different. (oh, yes)
firstly, i'm starting off on a positive foot. i'm not heartbroken like i used to be in my previous attempts. i don't feel weighed down by the things i lack. pssshh, no way.
   i'm happy.
i'm happy that i know he's amazing. i'm happy to think i'll be able to limit our relationship to what it is now. i'm happy to be smart enough to walk away before it's too late, before watching him walk away with (a luckier) someone else can affect me. this time, i'm really going to let it all go. i've pined for him long enough. ONE YEAR. yeah. i know he isn't ever gonna reciprocate these feelings so this is the smartest option i have, right?
   i know this will work. i can feel the change in my bones already. but there's one thing that'll never change - he'll always be my first 'real love'. (:

Bruce

i don't know how or why, but this morning, in one corner of my underwear drawer, i found a sheet dated 27/02/2010 which had on it the following tale (written by me):

Alyss: letting go

here's another someone who resides in my head: 

Alyss

she's a perpetually in love (or trying to fall out of it), super-sentimental drama queen.

see for yourself:

you know what i'd like?

i'd like to make believe that i've mastered the art of letting go.

   it isn't easy. it really isn't. and of all the people, someone like me would know this best.

Mia

the end of an era

last entry in my diary. boy, did i cry like crazy! i love her. :')

Jon and Leanne

   hi. i'm Leanne. i'm a 16 year old girl, five feet nine. luscious curly brown hair, soulful hazel eyes. I've got creamy white skin and a nose so perfect you'd kill for it. dazzling smile, killer hips. smooth well-rounded thighs, slim long legs. i love pretty shoes, polka dotted things, my dog Mr. O, cheeseburgers and Josh Duhamel. i'm going out with the most popular guy in school, Jon.
oh, Jon. ♥
6ft. tall. he's got jet black hair that's always a mess. sparkling green eyes coupled with a mischievous grin that makes hearts race. star footballer, math genius, prime candidate for future school Head Boy. and he loves me, adores me. we're the most talked about couple in high school, the most envied. what wouldn't all those girls give to be in my shoes - running their fingers through his hair, knowing what his lips feel like on mine... what wouldn't all those guys give to be the one holding me close, whispering wonderful things in my ear...
we're perfect, Jon & I. we are fucking perfect.