Saturday, 15 October 2011

Alyss: letting go

here's another someone who resides in my head: 
she's a perpetually in love (or trying to fall out of it), super-sentimental drama queen.
see for yourself:
you know what i'd like?
i'd like to make believe that i've mastered the art of letting go.
   it isn't easy. it really isn't. and of all the people, someone like me would know this best.

   it's easier though now, i guess. it doesn't hurt as much as it used to before. maybe that's because i've given up in some ways - i don't expect much from life. i've realized i have an affinity for people who are never going to like me back. i think i've kinda accepted the fact that i'm always going to be stuck on this one-way street - stranded, lonely, with no place to go. i've learned to live with the pain now. accepted life as it is. but i haven't actually moved on.
   it's not like i don't try. i do. no one wants to be stuck here, all alone. but just when i think i'm almost there, i've reached the end of the road and i can see a different world just ahead, a few inches away - he calls out to me. i try my best to ignore him. put a shaky half - step forward. he calls me again, he says he needs me. i turn back thinking, 'one last time. just one last time. and maybe... maybe this time things will turn out to be different...'
   i'm in paradise for the next few days. i feel like he needs me, i feel like i belong. i feel like finally, finally i've found someone who values me. and i start to open up, i start to let him in. i show him a part of myself no one has ever seen before, trusting that he would never do anything to hurt the sensitive little girl inside me. i expect him to wipe away all my tears, and make me believe in a better world. instead, he chooses that very moment to morph into a soulless creature.
   he laughs at me for being so emotional, he mocks me for being insecure. he seems surprised at the fact that i thought he'd care. he'd never done anything to make me believe he would, did he? it really wasn't his fault that i'd gone and assumed whatever i felt like. 'but the other day....', i start to say. the other day? what about it? he was just bored, a little lonely... he saw me around (as always) and he thought he'd just talk to me. he didn't press me to stay, right? he just called out twice.
   i look up, into his eyes. finding nothing but nonchalance in them, i turn away to shield my pain. i start walking away. i don't know where i'm headed, i just walk and walk blinded by tears, with a heartache beyond endurance. all i know is i want to get away from him. go as far as possible. because i can't let him know how much he has hurt me. i can't let him see how much he matters to me.
  a little ahead, i stop in my tracks, wondering... maybe...
my heart is an odd little creature. even after all that, it manages to cling on to one last shred of hope.
   i turn around and all i see is a distant retreating figure outlined against the horizon.
that's when i break down, that's when i just can't take it anymore. it tears me apart, knowing that he doesn't care, and that he never will care. i tell myself that i hate him, i detest him, i despise him. but inside i know it isn't so - i love him beyond imagination. it's myself i hate - for being so weak, so stupid, so vulnerable. because i know. i know that the next time he calls out to me, i'll go right back to him. no matter what.
i'll end with something Tagore said which describes this so perfectly:
"Error will not go away, logic and reason are slow to penetrate.
We cling with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe the weightiest proofs against it,
embracing it with all our strength. In the end, it escapes, ripping our veins and draining our heart's blood;
until, regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into snares of delusion again."
if you liked Alyss, don't worry. there's still a lot more to come.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...